Tater Hales' Dispatch from the American Revolution Retreat at Long Island, Summer 1776

One thing that gets this old tart's dander up is when some folks show their coward's tail while others stand up and fight like true soldiers, but that's exactly what your favorite Tater saw here in New York this month. We were outnumbered almost 2 to 1 and suffered a dreadful defeat at Long Island this day, but let me assure you we will fight another day, thanks to some clever strategic retreating. The redcoats came at us with just about everything, especially after they heard about that little piece of paper we signed in Philadelphia. I heard General Washington had the Declaration of Independence copied and read to his entire Army July 9.
But already the British Gen. William Howe and Admiral Lord Richard Howe had begun to bring in 30 battleships in the New York harbor, with 1,200 cannon, 30,000 soldiers, 10,000 sailors and 300 supply ships. I heard Howe even had the audacity to say, "Peace will be made within 10 days after my arrival." Peace must have a different meaning in the mother country.
You won't believe this, but both those British scoundrels tried writing General Washington to tell him they would pardon us, but he wouldn't even read it, because they didn't address him as "General." I had my own ideas of what they could do with those letters, but the general just refused them. We have our own kind of pardon, but we like to call them musket balls.
However, Washington did kind of tell them what they could do with the pardon they were offering. "Having committed no fault, we need no pardon; we are only defending what we deem to be our indisputable rights," he said. Three British frigates - the Phoenix, Rose and Greyhound - were causing us all kinds of trouble from Long Island to Staten Island, and then the Brits came ashore Aug. 27. The truth is we almost lost it all because of some stupid mistakes when General Cornwallis attacked. Many just turned tail and ran like dogs. Some even burned the bridge over the Gowanus Creek, making it impossible for others to retreat safely.
When the Germans attacked at Prospect Park, some had to hide in the woods. Lord Stirling helped save the day by leading a force of 250 Maryland men who held off the British to allow most of the army to escape. Most of them were captured or killed. I heard only 10 made it back to the main body of our army.
Stirling himself was left no choice but surrender, but he refused to give up his sword to a British commander. Instead, he surrendered to a German general. Night began to fall and Howe paused so he decided to try to wait us out. Meanwhile, General Washington began an all-out evacuation. Those Massachusetts Marbleheaders, a fine bunch of fishermen, rowed us across the East River to Manhattan at dusk under cover of a heaven-sent fog.
By the time the fog lifted the next morning, all the British found were empty trenches. We heard later that a freedom-loving woman named Mrs. Murray helped us by holding up General Howe in her home. While she offered him refreshments, our troops made their getaway. Still, we lost 1,407 patriots, and 312 of them were killed. But I don't think Howe still thinks he will win as easily as he did before the battle. Old Ben Franklin tried to tell him when he responded to a letter Howe sent him:
"This war against us is both unjust and unwise: posterity will condemn to infamy those who advised it; and even success will not save from some degree of dishonor those who voluntarily engage to conduct it." In other words, Admiral Howe, you will see much more of us.